Slasher Showdown: Freddy vs Jason vs Michael vs Chucky vs Leatherface (Part 2: 25-1)
Reminder: Spoilers Lay Below
C-Tier (Cont'd):
25. Halloween II (2009)
"How'd you like to be fucked by the Frankenstein monster?"
Best Kill: Fitting with this movie's more somber, reflective tone, I'm giving this award not to the gnarliest kill but to the most effective. Laurie's friend Annie is another holdover from the the last film whose character gets deepened here, and you genuinely feel the impact of her loss. Especially as you see it affect Brad Dourif, playing her father, who is just fantastic here and probably the movie's MVP. He's always great going full camp as Chucky, or as a Grima Wormtongue, but it's nice to remember how much humanity Dourif can bring to a performance as well.
B-Tier: Just A Straight Up Good Time
24. Halloween II (1981)
"You don't know what death is!"
From one Halloween II to another. Operating on the "bigger is better" rule, Halloween II is essentially just a more excessive and dumber version of the original. Which isn't the worst idea. You're never going to make a more effective film with this character than the original Halloween, so why not just push things up to 10 and give us a sequel where he can survive being engulfed in flames? And, as you can see above, that's not even the movie's only big fire stunt! What keeps things moving as well is the steady direction by Rick Rosenthal. He'd come back to direct Resurrection, but he feels a lot more locked into the material here, making effective use of things like shadows and atmosphere. The only major thing that docks points here is that the movie completely sidelines Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, with her spending most of the runtime drugged up in a hospital bed. Donald Pleasance gets even more screen-time as Dr. Loomis this time around, which is a definite plus, but it just makes no real sense to forget about this great character from the last movie for so much of the runtime, especially without even finding some plucky new protagonist to replace her.
Best Kill: While I do enjoy the doctor a nurse finds with a needle shoved into his eye, this has gotta go to the hot tub kill. One of the more wince-worthy kills on these lists, as Micheal turns the water up to a boil and repeatedly dunks a nurse's head into the tub. Her face comes back up each time more and more peeled off. Michael doesn't usually go too flashy with his kills, but this is definitely a memorably hardcore one.
23. Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
"Sex, sex, sex. You guys are getting boring, you know that?"
Best Kill: We don't see a ton of the kill itself, but there's enough of visceral implication to the guy who gets sliced with a machete while doing a handstand that he gets the award.
22. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
"I am way too stoned for this."
The best thing about this one is simply that it looks fantastic. Director Marcus Nispel and cinematographer Daniel Pearl, returning to the series after shooting the original film, bring a real sense of artistic flair to the material. It may end up looking slightly too glossy for a Chainsaw, but it's undeniably a striking film from a visual standpoint alone. It brings an admirable level of intensity as well. As I mentioned in the last article, this was really the movie, along with the following year's Saw, to usher in the 2000's "torture porn" wave. But like that first film in the Saw series, the gore here is a lot more relatively tame compared to what would come even just a couple years later, showing you just enough of the viscera to reach maximum potential. Now, the acting here unfortunately isn't all that great, including from lead Jessica Biel, who never really rises above "fine". But R Lee Emery proves to be a vital exception as Sheriff Hoyt at least, completely understanding the tone of the series as he effortlessly ping pongs back-and-forth from humorous to menacing. Oh, and shoutout this amazing shot.
Best Kill: Cheating a bit here, as the character of Andy ultimately dies from a mercy kill (delivered not very mercifully) from Biel's character. But he gets some effective moments in the lead-up to that, like his fingernails getting caught in the wall and he desperately scratches and claws to avoid the Sawyer family's (renamed the Hewitts here, cus why not?) basement. Also a good wince moment when Leatherface salts the wound of his amputated leg and wraps it up in deli paper. You're gonna be so tender, Andy!
21. Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
You have to put up with a lot of annoying teens (my god, Kelly Rowland's character - just watch out for her notoriously caustic late movie showdown with Freddy) and some particularly sweaty plot logic to get there, but the actual "Freddy vs. Jason" part of Freddy vs. Jason delivers pretty hard. We're coming off of the peak of the early 00's wrestling phenomenon here, and this whole thing is essentially treated with the pomp and circumstance of a heavyweight championship. It's loud, aggressive and dumb, as a movie named Freddy vs. Jason has every right to be. The "versus" in question first takes form of a race for who can rack up the highest kill tally, as Freddy initially recruits Jason to bring him more teens to kill, only for the homicidal hockey aficionado to steal all the kills for himself. Eventually it becomes a head-to-head match, with two extended fights: one inside of Jason's dream that takes place in Freddy's famous boiler room, and one on the grounds of Camp Crystal Lake itself. They're appropriately absurd bouts, with Freddy at one point turning Jason into a human pinball machine (complete with the arcade sound effects) as he tosses him back and forth between some pipes. Credit to director Ronny Yu as well, who gives things a bit more flair than you might typically get out of a movie like this. Things do look nice, for the most part, though we are unfortunately right in the thick of horror movies being convinced garish CGI is the way to go.
Best Kill: In maybe the best example in the entire movie of "committing to the dumb", we get a scene of Jason attacking a rave in a cornfield (a common party setting?) One guy tries to stop Jason by setting him on fire, but Jason just keeps casually strolling the cornfield, full engulfed in flames, before pulling out his now flaming machete and launching it through the would-be-hero's heart. So dumb, so good.
20. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)
"You big dildo, eat your fucking slop!"
AKA the Friday without Jason (you know, besides the first one). After killing off the character in Final Chapter, the producers opted to try a film in the series with a new killer in a hockey mask, only to revert back to Jason for the next film. Now, remember what I said earlier about the series often populating its films with fun side characters? That reaches its apex here, as practically every scene introduces us to some new memorable weirdo. Who could forget Ethel and Junior, the vulgar farm owner and her over-excited manchild son? Or Joey, the obnoxious guy who walks around annoying everyone with his chocolate stained hands before immediately getting axed to death? Or Demon, the thug with a heart of a gold, who sings R&B duets with his girlfriend while he poops? This is just pure sleaze, directed by a man who literally got his start in hardcore porn (this is certainly the boobiest entry in the franchise, at least until the 2009 remake), and is happy to be so. The story is pretty nothing, with a killer reveal as laughably unremarkable as you could imagine. But it knows it's a low-stakes entry in a low-stakes franchise, and has a lot of fun being content with that.
Best Kill: Coming after a particularly porny sex scene, we get what has to be this film's most remembered kill, as a dude has a belt tied around his eyes from behind a tree, and gets his eyes squeezed like they were like the last bit of toothpaste.
19. Curse of Chucky (2013)
"He said that life's a bitch, and then you die, bleeding like a stuck pig."
After two entries that veered into being straight comedies, Curse attempts to bring back a certain sense of menace to Chucky. It's largely successful in that regard, essentially playing out like a nice home invasion thriller that happens to star a doll. There's some messy plot stuff towards the end involving the titular curse that drags things down; I don't think Chucky needed a greater connection to this family than just wanting a new group of people to kill. This is also where the series moves directly to home media, and you can feel some occasional cheapness in the production or in the stilted nature of some of the actors. But we do get strong performances here from two generations of Dourifs, as Brad's daughter Fiona stars as final girl Nica. While I'm sure some would be quick to yell 'nepo baby', she's actually really natural and charming in her role here. (It's also just so crazy how she manages to be conventionally attractive while still 100% having the face of Brad Dourif.) Generally speaking, this is really effective "back to basics" work from the series, even if its reach somewhat exceeds its grasp at the end.
Best Kill: No real standout here, but definitely some solid options. I'll go with the guy who has his jaw chopped off by Chucky with an axe.
18. Jason X (2001)
"It's okay! He just wanted his machete back."
AKA Jason in space. And yes, I'm ranking the "Jason in space" movie in the upper half of this list. But this is another one of those movies, perhaps the ultimate example in this list, that's so self aware in its stupidity than all you can do is kick back and have a good time. What's the point in looking for logic flaws in the movie where a frozen Jason is thawed out in space in 2455 by a bunch of sexy teen scientists? Yes, this movie is lazily plotted, full of cardboard cutout characters and cheap CGI, but how can you not have love for a movie with where Jason is put in a Star Trek style holodeck and lives out his fantasy of smashing two girls in sleeping bags to bits against a tree? Or a movie that takes place at some of future lab for advanced super-students, and one of them is a stoner literally named Stoney? Or a movie that predicts that hockey will be outlawed this year, in 2024 (watch out, Canucks!)? I mentioned in the last article how the 2009 Friday is a movie that's dumb almost to the point of pride. There's no "almost" here. This movie is overjoyed to be as dumb as it is, and the feeling is kind of infectious.
Best Kill: The aforementioned sleeping bag kill is quite nice, but really this has to go to the girl whose face Jason freezes in a batch of liquid nitrogen, only to then be smashed into a goddamn pulp. That might be J-boy's best kill, full stop.
17. Friday the 13th Part II (1981)
"Paul, there's someone in this fucking room!"
While I talked earlier about the charm of these early Friday films, this is probably the one that maintains the most menace. That's down to one simple thing: baghead Jason is way scarier than hockey mask Jason. Jason with a hockey mask is too iconic of a figure at this point to be truly frightening; it's like being chased around the forest by Shrek. But baghead Jason is still creepy as all hell. He has that Leatherface magic of just feeling like some weirdo from the middle of nowhere who doesn't talk but wants to show you his dead squirrel collection. There's an edge to the character here that's lost in later films, especially as they start to make him more and more invincible. Jason feels like he can actually be put down here, which makes the moments where he gets back up all the more unsettling. Amy Steel as Ginny is one of the series' better final girls too, with the character having a bit more of a sense of agency to her than a lot of similar characters we'd see in her role in these films.
Best Kill: It, uh, might be a little tasteless, but boy howdy do I enjoy the scene of wheelchair-bound Mark taking a machete to the face and then falling down the longest series of stairs since the one Eddie Murphy's aunt encountered, staying in the chair the entire time. (Funny enough, it's fitting for me to reference Delirious here, as a character tells the same joke in this that Eddie tells his young fans to tell their friends in that special, about a bear wiping his ass with a rabbit.)
16. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! STOP ITTT!!!"
Best Kill: Trust me that I have options here. This is a surprisingly gory entry for the non-Michael film of the franchise. Case in point: the town drunk who ends up having his head straight ripped off. How many heads have you ripped off, Michael? Huh? I thought so...
15. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
"I see you met our resident writer, Eddie... Eddie's a little out there, Tina, but believe me, every body else here? Perfectly normal."
AKA Jason vs. Carrie. Not literally, of course. Sissy Spacek ain't doin' no Friday Part VII. But the main character here, Tina, is a telepathic teen heavily inspired by that famous Stephen King heroine turned villain. It adds a lot of juice to a movie this late in the franchise. Jason is always slashing his way through helpless teens, what if one of them wasn't so helpless? Also boosting this film is that it's the debut of fan favorite Jason portrayer Kane Hodder. His commitment to the role shines through with the amount of abuse he takes here. The whole climax sees Tina putting Jason through the ringer in the way we've always hoped to see. Now, unfortunately, this does stand alongside the previous film in the franchise as their most neutered entries in terms of gore; the MPAA really was just over these movies at this point and weren't going to allow them any real leeway for nasty kills. Those two are also the mostly overtly camp entries of the franchise (well, at least until Jason heads off to space), so the lack of overtly explicit gore doesn't detract here as much as it could have for an earlier entry in the franchise. Still, a Friday without crazy gore does ultimately feel a bit naked, like it would without teens who get a bit naked.
Best Kill: I want to give this award to Tina's douchey doctor who gets mulched up by a weed whacker, but the MPAA cut this movie down so heavily that you don't really see any of the carnage there. So, instead, I'll give the award to the girl who has an air horn shoved in her eye. Oh Jason, always the life of the party.
14. Seed of Chucky (2004)
Unquestionably the most "WTF" movie on this whole list. Years before Deadpool & Wolverine, we already had a way more successful example of a previously meta franchise reaching its snake-eating-its-own-tail moment and making a movie about the movie they're making. This is a horror movie where sentences are said like “hip-hop superstar turned director Redman is still looking for the right actress to take the lead in his upcoming bible epic." And that's not a throwaway line, that's establishing a major plot point! Jenny Tilly spends half the movie being a damn good sport and playing a washed up version of herself, willing to use her body to advance her career. And things only get weirder from there. We get John Waters as a paparazzo, a Britney Spears murder (in what I imagine was pitched as a cameo before her reps hung up halfway through the call), and an extended Chucky masturbation scene. To top it all off, the story it's wrapped around with the titular "Seed" of Chucky, Glen/Glenda (in about as obvious an homage as you can get), is pretty fascinating stuff to see in a major slasher. It's the type of thing no one really batted an eye at in 2004 (I mean, I'm sure this movie raised some brows, but still), that would have legions of dweebs crying "woke" now, as Glen/Glenda spends the movie earnestly grappling with their gender identity. It's interesting how that affects each parent as well, as neither Chucky or Tiffany outright rejects Glen/Glenda, but both spend the film pushing them towards accepting their own respective genders. When Glen/Glenda finally decides they feel comfortable being both genders, and adopting whichever persona they feel like in the moment, Tiffany is supportive while that's a bridge too far for Chucky, though of course the main thing he's concerned with is them deciding to join the family business of homicidal mania. This has got to be the film on the list you could write the longest term paper on (see: above). The only thing really holding it back is Don Mancini's first time direction. This was shot for cheap in Romania, entirely on sets, and Mancini just simply wasn't a strong enough director at this point to hide that. The movie kind of looks like shit. Which is a real shame, but does sort of add to its fever dream "this was in theaters??" charm.
Best Kill: Few fun options here, such as makeup and special effects artist Tony Gardner getting to craft a kill for himself where Chucky lops off his head with some barbed wire. But how I can not give this award to John Waters having his face dissolved by sulfuric acid?
13. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
AKA: The gayest movie of all time? Yes, I'm being a bit glib there, but wow is it hard to ignore the subtext here. We've got man ass, a leather bar, and some primo hip thrusting dance moves - along with a scream that could break glass - both courtesy of Mark Patton, playing the series' sole male lead in Jesse Walsh. Nightmare 2 is more of a possession movie than the rest of the series, with Freddy only really killing someone inside of a dream for a final last minute scare. Instead, most of the movie is about Jesse fighting this odd feeling inside of him that gives him an urge to kill. As the film progresses, he realizes this is Freddy, trying to possess his body so he can enter the real world again. This doesn't exactly track with the logic laid out in the rest of the series, and the lack of any strong connection to the Freddy lore does leave it feeling like a bit of an outlier within the series. Luckily, that's not necessarily a bad thing, as it can just kind of stand alone as its own object. Like Season of the Witch or Seed, it's a bit of a clunky film, but a fascinating swerve I'm happy the franchise took nonetheless.
Best Kill: I just love the audacity of the first official kill, 35 minutes in no less, being the bullying, closeted gym teacher getting stripped nude, and the money shot (err, as it were) being a shot of him standing up, handcuffed to the ceiling, dead, with his bare ass to the camera. Take it in, folks.
12. Child's Play (1988)
"Hi, I'm Chucky! Wanna play?"
Watching this film and its 2019 remake together in close succession really shows what a steady hand can do to push a film over the top. Both are simple tales of a little boy being gifted a killer doll, neither are directed with massive amounts of flair, and yet this just comes off far more polished and confident. Part of that is knowing when to play its hand. For the first half of the film, we only get to see the signs of life in Chucky in increasing glimpses, culminating in a fantastic scene where Andy's mom finally realizes just what's going on with her son's doll. The second Brad Dourif starts talking as Chucky, the series forever tips over into camp, but up until that very moment that sequence is about as unsettling as the series gets. Once Chucky is up and moving though, it should be noted the movements of the doll look great even today. This movie also understands the frustration and inherent fear of being a child and having no one take what you say seriously, as Andy, played by Alex Vincent - in one of the all time most adorable kid performances - desperately tries to convince those around him of his toy's true nature. As I said last article, this was a character I was terrified of as a child. Eventually, when I was around 11 or 12, the prospect of watching this very movie came up at a sleepover, and I had to act like I wasn't ready to piss my pants at the very idea. We started watching it, and pretty soon I realized I was able to have fun with it. Its a pretty ideal "sleepover" horror movie really, much more spooky than outright scary, with far greater weight placed on entertainment value than genuine terror. Which, when the movie is as fun a ride as this one, certainly isn't the worst thing.
Best Kill: Chucky using a voodoo doll to kill a guy was an especially pivotal "I can't believe I used to think this was scary and not just fun" moment for me. If they went even more all out with it and had the guy contort into truly crazy shapes like this were the dance scene from the Suspiria remake, it'd probably take the spot, but Chucky ends up stabbing the doll before anything truly wild happens. So, instead, the award goes to the guy whose head Chucky electrocutes until his eyes bleed. On the list of places you want to bleed from, eyes are, like, bottom three.
11. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
Yes, long before Chucky or even Freddy took turns into outright comedy, Jason was there with a film that was essentially a parody of itself. I mean, how else are you supposed to take a film that opens with Jason staring the camera down and chucking a machete at you in a direct homage to James Bond? The film is a fan favorite exactly because it knows how ridiculous the series had got by this point, and just decides to fully play into that. We even get early nods to the more meta, self-aware nature of horror characters that would come in a decade or so, with characters here specifically saying things like "I've seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly." We also get an interesting change of pace in this one by actually seeing little kids at Camp Crystal Lake. They add some interesting flavor, if not stakes, as we do know the whole time a movie this silly will never directly put them in harm's way. Like with The New Blood, the only unfortunate thing here is the MPAA really cutting down on the gore. I don't think there's any nudity here either, meaning this might be the only Friday movie you could pretty much just play straight through on cable without having to make any cuts. I don't mind having one entry of the franchise like that, though. The combo of the little kids being around and the light humor, as well as the lack of any extreme moments, means this is actually a surprisingly good "entry point" movie to the genre for younger fans.
Best Kill: Again, no really insane gore here. But I do like the girl whose face gets pushed through the wall of a van until you can see the imprint of her face on the other side.
10. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
"Oh God, I'm horny."
Best Kill: Again, tons of options, but I think this one has to go to Crispin. His obnoxious bellows of "Ted, where's the corkscrew?" being answered with said corkscrew being delivered right into his hand, along with a meat cleaver to the face, make for one damn memorable kill.
9. Bride of Chucky (1998)
"Barbie, eat your heart out."
Best Kill: Couple options here. I do enjoy Ritter getting a bunch of nails to the face, a la Pinhead. But I'm gonna go with the swinger couple having sex on a waterbed that get a parade of glass shards brought down upon them, courtesy of a glass bottle being tossed up at a glass ceiling. The shot of the water and their blood all gushing up at once like a geyser is some pretty great shit.
8. Child's Play 2 (1990)
"Ya act like you've never seen a dead body before."
Leaner and meaner than the original, Child's Play 2 takes what worked about the first and amps it up. Dourif gets more time to eat up the scenery (does that term apply for a vocal performance? Eat up the vocal booth?), and relishes every second of it. Chucky is even nastier here than last time - he really wants to kill this kid! While I do genuinely really enjoy the series' later turns into outright comedy, this one represents what's probably the perfect tone for the series. It's still essentially a comedy in a lot of scenes, like the one where Chucky has to attack and bury another Good Guy doll so he can take its place. But that doesn't take away from the menace. Unlike in later films where Chucky starts to succumb to Freddy syndrome and feel more like a mascot, he's still enough of a villain here that you can feel the stakes. Especially in the toy factory set climax, which stands alongside the scene in the previous film of Andy's mom discovering that Chucky is alive as the best directed sequences of the series. I also quite like the relationship between Andy and his foster sister, Kyle. They get some surprisingly human moments here in what's otherwise a rather ridiculous movie.
Best Kill: Again, I'm torn between 2 options. I do quite like Chucky beating a teacher to death with a yardstick (especially if we consider the scene before, where he gets Andy in trouble by writing "FUCK YOU BITCH" on Andy's homework in red marker). But I'm going to give the edge to the factory worker who ends up on an assembly line and has two doll eyes punched into his brain.
7. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
"How's this for a wet dream?"
Dream Master is directed by Renny Harlin, the same man behind Die Hard 2. It essentially runs the same playbook on the franchise as the that film: take what works, and make it bigger, glossier and dumber. Neither can hope to live up to the slightly more grounded and original high points of their respective franchises, but both make for some primo "you won't turn it off if you stumble across it on cable" viewing. Dream Master continues down the road Dream Warriors set off by having Freddy essentially serve as an MTV VJ in his own film (MTV is the right reference by the way: this is easily the most 80's Nightmare). Like with the other later Nightmare sequels, we do get a bit too bogged down in Freddy lore and setting up rules. The series always works best when operating on dream logic rather than trying to bring logic to dreams. That remains true here, as the most captivating sequences are the one that commit to that hazy lack of reality. Your mileage may vary, as the tone of the series has decidedly settled on goofy over sinister at this point. But once you accept that, this one is a damn fun ride.
Best Kill: It's the cockroach scene. Clearly. If you've never seen it, I won't even say any more, just go seek it out immediately. It's special effects legend Screaming Mad George going absolutely the fuck off and probably the best kill on this whole list.
A- Tier: That Goooood Shit
6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
"You have one choice, boy: sex or the saw. Sex is, well, nobody knows. But the saw...the saw is family."
Leave it the director of the original Texas Chainsaw, Tobe Hooper, to realize the best way to follow up that film isn't by slavishly trying to recapture the vibes of the original like the later sequels would, but rather by giving us something entirely different. Chainsaw 2 is in line with some of the sequels we've talked about up to this point, where it's more aiming for horror-comedy vibes than straight horror, something its Breakfast Club mocking poster hints at. The whole thing is essentially an E.C. Comic come to life: bright, gory and in your face. It works for the film, giving it an energy not only unique to the franchise, but to many slashers in general. Where else are you going to find Dennis Hopper (in a film that came out just one month before his career revival in Blue Velvet) wielding duel chainsaws as he sings Rod and Todd's favorite song? Oh, and I apologize for calling Seed of Chucky the film here you could write the longest term paper on, because the scene where final girl "Stretch" is able to fend off Leatherface by spreading her legs and asking him "how good" he is? Yea, that's just dripping with subtext. The film also gains major points for adding fan-favorite Chop Top to the mix, brilliantly played by Bill Mosely. Speaking of brilliant performances, Jim Siedow returns as The Cook here, and is as wonderfully deranged as ever. "Sure burned my beans bad on that one!"
Best Kill: Tom Savini was on hand for this one, and provides some nice gore right off the bat, as Leather and Chop Top pull up next to an annoying pair of yuppies in traffic, and Leather gives them a drive-by sawing, carving right into the driver's brain.
5. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors (1987)
"Welcome to prime time, bitch!"
After the somewhat divisive nature of Nightmare 2, Craven, who was absent from that film's production entirely, returned to co-write Dream Warriors. It was a film he intended to be the series' final installment, but would instead end up setting the general template for the sequels that followed: make Freddy the star of the show, focus on spectacle and spookiness rather than outright terror, and make sure the whole thing is steeped in Freddy lore. That last part there is the one thing I rub up against the most; I think the first film sets up Freddy all we need. This is of course the film that gives us the infamous "bastard son of a hundred maniacs" line in regards to Freddy's origin, one of the most absurdly grotesque notions in horror history. The more the film delves into that side of things, the more it loses me, but the main meat of the story here is easily some of my favorite stuff in the franchise. An institution for troubled teens is a perfect setting for a Nightmare movie. Part of the juice of the franchise, like with those early Chucky movies, is in the fear of not being heard when you know something is a problem, and the frustration of not being listened to because you're "just a kid". So a group of teens that are as marginalized and ignored as the mentally ill (especially in Reagan's America) make a lot of sense as Freddy's victims. The movie goes to great efforts to not make any of the kids sideshow attractions either, they're just troubled kids who have found a genuinely sweet community with each other built on trust that's been born out of a terrible situation. The actual "dream warrior" scenes themselves are all kind of gloriously corny, which does stand in contrast a bit with the tone of the movie building up to them, but I can't act like I don't enjoy them ("In my dreams I'm beautiful...and bad!") Heather Langenkamp also returns this time around as Nancy, now a therapist at the institution. On some level, I wish she hadn't, and this could just purely be a new story about these new characters, but it is nice to see a character and performance I like again (Langenkamp was never the best actress, but she is very inherently charming), and the character gets solid closure here. Still, the true star of the show here is Freddy himself, and Robert Englund is suitably having an absolute ball with the material. As great as the first 2 movies are, this feels like the one that really cemented Freddy as a pop culture icon. Welcome to prime time, bitch, indeed.
Best Kill: While the aforementioned "prime time" kill is maybe the franchise's most beloved, it doesn't quite send a shiver down my spine like Freddy using one of the kids' veins as a strings in the world's most fucked up marionette. Plus, it ends with that awesome image of Freddy's face in the sky.
4. Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)
"I think the only way to stop him is to make another movie."
Wes Craven's dry-run at meta horror before Scream, and some would say the even stronger film. It's hard for me to say, as both were pretty formative horror films for me. Scream was one of the first horror movies in general I remember really getting into, and in the months that followed this actually ended up being the first Nightmare film I ever saw. Which, in hindsight, probably isn't the right way to see this movie, as it's heavily referential of the first film. But it worked nonetheless, and 12-13 year old me was pretty blown away by this. I think part of why it works so well, after Freddy fell so far down the waterhole with how silly he could get, is this film actually resists a lot of the fun you could have with this premise. For such a meta story, there's really no broad Hollywood satire at play here at any point. While I think that was an approach that fit the balls-to-the-wall nature of where Mancini had brought Chucky by Seed, I'm really glad we don't get any of that here. Instead, the film is largely a story about Heather Langenkamp (playing herself in a performance that shows, sure, she still never became a great actress, but she's comfortable working with Wes and can pull out strong emotion when necessary) dealing with the reality of suddenly becoming a single mother after the tragic death of her husband. The film is very wise to ground this as Heather's story first and foremost, so much so that Freddy doesn't fully appear on screen until over an hour in. Like a lot of Nightmare films, the only thing that really holds me back here is the final act. After all that build up, the "real" Freddy pulling Heather and her son into his dream world feels a bit lackluster. But I do love the actual final scene, so we'll call it draw.
Best Kill: In keeping with this movie's meta re-examination of the first film, it's fun to see Heather's son's babysitter Julie get the same treatment as Tina from the first film, with more of a "behind the scenes" look as we see Freddy physically dragging her along the ceiling.
S-Tier: Undeniable Classics
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
I mentioned earlier how watching the original Child's Play next to its remake is a good way to see what a director with a little more craft can do to push a movie over the top. Well, my God, is there no better way to do that than by comparing the work of genre master Wes Craven to...who directed the Nightmare remake again? (Checks Wiki) The guy who directed the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video?! Okay...so I can't call that guy a hack, but my point still stands that this original film is just directed far more inventively. Every scene has so many ideas, with Craven never being content to merely repeat a scare. So many moments here would be the most memorable in any other film. The above image of Freddy's hand between Nancy's legs, the tongue coming out of the phone, Freddy cutting open his chest to reveals maggots, Johnny Depp's insane crop top. I truly could just list moments like this all day. Freddy was also a necessary evolution of the slasher, not only in that he could actually talk, but because he scratched an itch the other guys couldn't. Michael, Jason and Ol' Skin Mask represent a type of unexplainable evil, but we can at least justify their existences within our own realities. Freddy exists in the places we can't see, in the furthest back corners of our mind. It's why I've actually never been crazy about the ending to this, where Nancy brings Freddy out of her mind and into the real world to spring a series of a Home Alone style traps on him. The final scene itself especially is a weak note, a studio insisted button that's always felt a bit too try-hard in a film that's otherwise managed to present such out-there ideas to you in a far more natural way.
Best Kill: Like Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th before him, the biggest future star of the cast manages to nab himself the best kill here as well. Johnny Depp getting dragged inside of his bed is already just a wonderful little practical effect, but then add the giant geyser of blood that comes gushing out of the newly made hole in the bed, and you've got yourself an all-timer.
2. Halloween (1978)
"It's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare."
Speaking of good directors, holy moly can John Carpenter make a movie, eh? Halloween is one of the simplest, most bare bones films on this list: essentially just the story of a serial killer breaking out of the asylum where he's kept and wreaking havoc on a small town of teens. Yet it remains endlessly watchable, one of those movies where each scene has you going "ooh, it's this scene." Part of that is due the film's score, up there with Jaws as the most effective in all of horror. Part of that is also due to Jamie Lee Curtis's work in the lead role, proving why she's everyone's favorite Nepo Baby by being effortless charming every time she's on screen. But most of all it's down to Carpenter's assured direction. It's a lean 90 minutes, where nothing is too rushed or goes on too long, and everything is presented to us without flash and with a steady hand. The film allows itself to build gradually until we eventually get to the climactic scene with Laurie hiding in the closest, one of the scariest scenes in film history. Though nothing is more disturbing ultimately than Michael himself, just as a figure. Lesser films on this list try to explain away their villains' evil; the best ones, like Halloween, know the scariest thing about their villains is that their evil can't be explained.
Best Kill: As I mentioned last article, the opening scene here is basically its own perfect little short film. Though I guess this dubiously defined category is best kills and not best scenes, so I have to give the nod here to Bob, who gets pinned to the wall with a butcher knife, and is given an iconic head tilt from Michael as he admires his work.
1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
"You like head cheese?"
Give it up for the OG Texas Chainsaw, folks. The oldest film on the list, the shortest film of the list, the (likely) least gory film on the list, and, yes, the scariest film on the list. Director Tobe Hooper understood inherently that one of the most unsettling things a film can do is not confirm to the standards we expect of it. In Texas Chainsaw, scenes and shots go on too long, we get shots and angles we wouldn't expect, scenes mix tones in odd ways we aren't sure what to make of. The brilliant sound design especially keeps us on edge, mixing documentary style realism with distorted, almost industrial sounds. The climactic family dinner scene remains unlike anything I've seen another film, as it walks a tight rope the whole time of being both hysterical and genuinely disturbing. It's rare to get an exploitation slasher by way of an auteur-driven arthouse flick, and this still remains the most potent. The film's final shot is among the most evocative in horror history, with Leatherface swinging his chainsaw into the morning air out of frustration, looking like if someone doesn't come along and make him stop, he never will.
Best Kill: Good Lord is the first kill here scary. Leatherface appearing out of nowhere, delivering one quick "THWACK" of the mallet to poor Kirk's head, his little death twitches, and Leather's iconic door slam. Just a horrifying sequence.
Up Next (Year?): If enough people tell me they liked this, I can do an update on this list next Halloween with even more iconic slashers, such as Ghostface, Jigsaw, Pinhead, Candyman, and, uh, the concept of Death? Those Final Destinations are nebulous, but boy do they give me "best kill" options.
"Was I a dead fuck?"
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